Online Memorial Tribute

STILLBORN

I CARRIED YOU IN HOPE

THE LONG NINE MONTHS OF MY TERM,

REMEMBERED THAT CLOSE HOUR WE MADE YOU,

OFTEN FELT YOU KICK AND MOVE

AS SLOWLY YOU GREW WITHIN ME

WONDERED WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE

WHEN YOUR WET HEAD EMERGED,

AND AT WHAT GLAD MOMENT

I SHOULD HEAR YOUR BIRTH CRY,

AND I WELCOMING YOU

WITH ALL YOU NEEDED OF WARMTH AND FOOD;

WE HAD A HOME FOR YOU

AFTER MY STRONG LABORINGS

SWEAT COLD ON MY LIMBS

MY SMALL CRIES MERGING WITH THE SPRING AIR

YOU CAME. YOU DID NOT CRY,

YOU DID NOT BREATHE.

WE HAD NOT EXPECTED THIS;

IT SEEMS YOUR BIRTH HAS NO MEANING.

OR HAD YOU REJECTED US?

THEY WILL SAY THAT YOU DID NOT LIVE,

REGISTER YOU AS A STILBORN

BUT YOU LIVED FOR ME

IN THE DARK CHAMBER OF MY WOMB,

AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU NOW,

PERFECT IN YOUR LITTLE DEATH,

I KNOW THAT FOR ME YOU ARE BORN STILL;

I SHALL CARRY YOU WITH ME FOREVER,

MY CHILD. YOU WERE ALWAYS MINE,

YOU ARE MINE NOW

IN LIFE AND IN DEATH

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER.

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ADRIANA LORRAINE BLACKSHELL WAS BORN

MAY 3, 2007 AT 3:57 PM

TO: MEGHAN BARR & DeMON BLACKSHELL

9LBS 7OZ 20"

THE DAY AFTER HER DUE DATE. THE HOSPITAL USES THE TERM DELIVERED I USE BORN.

BECAUSE ON MAY 3RD AT 3:57 I BECAME A MOTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME. SHE WAS

CONSIDERED A STILLBORN AND WAS NOT ISSUED A BIRTH CERTIFICATE. WE ARRIVED AT

THE HOSPITAL MAY 1ST AROUND 9:30 PM, I HADN'T FELT THE BABY MOVE IN A COUPLE

HOURS. IT WASN'T UNUSUAL I HAD JUST HAD AN ULTRA SOUND AND NON STRESS TEST

TWO DAYS PRIOR SHE WAS PERFECT. "SHE'S ALREADY OUT GROWN HALF HER CLOTHES!

" i LAUGHED OUT WHEN I CALLED MY FIANCE' TO TELL

HIM WE WERE HAVING A NINE POUND BABY. ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL I REMEMBERED

LOOKING AT THE MOON, IT WAS A FULL MOON, AND THINKING THEY SAY

THE MOST AMOUNT OF BABIES ARE BORN ON FULL MOON NIGHTS. WHICH SEEMED TRUE

WHEN WE ARRIVED. THERE WERE SEVEN PEOPLE IN ACTIVE LABOR. THE NURSE COULDN'T

FIND A HEARTBEAT, BUT SHE TOLD US NOT TO WORRY THE BABY COULD BE BREECH,

AND SHE WENT TO GET A DOCTOR. IT TOOK HIM 30 MINUTES TO COME WITH THE ULTRA

SOUND MACHINE. TWO MINUTES LATER WE WERE TOLD OUR BABY WAS GONE.

SEVEN FAMILIES WERE BEING GIVEN PROMISES, HOPE, FUTURES, DREAMS,AND LIFE.

AND MY DAUGHTER WAS GIVEN NOTHING.

I STARED BLANKLY AT THE DOCTOR AS HE TOLD ME COLDLY THAT I WAS GOING TO

HAVE DELIVER "IT". BUT IT WASN'T AN EMERGENCY AND I COULD GO HOME

FOR A WHILE AND COME BACK IN THE MORNING. "WHAT!?! NOT AN EMERGENCY???" I

WANTED TO SCREAM AT HIM, BUT SAID NOTHING. i STAYED AND THEY INDUCED MY LABOR.

OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS SURROUNDED US AS MY LABOR DRAGGED OUT OVER THE DAYS.

I SILENTLY PRAYED THEY WERE WRONG AND MY BABY WAS ALIVE AND WELL. AND WHEN I

GAVE BIRTH SHE WOULD CRY, AND THE DOCTORS WOULD APOLOGIZE FOR SUCH A

CRUCIAL MISTAKE. SHE DID NOT CRY. IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE. THEY ASKED ME

IF I WANTED TO SEE HER I SAID YES BUT I COULDN'T OPEN MY EYES. DeMON PUT HIS

ARM AROUND ME AND KISSED MY HEAD AS THE NURSE HANDED US OUR DAUGHTER.

I OPENED MY EYES SCARED OF WHAT I WOULD SEE. WOULD SHE LOOK DEAD?

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL, "IT'S AMAZING TO LOVE SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

SO MUCH " PEOPLE SAY. BUT I HAVE KNOWN HER FOR NINE MONTHS. I FOUND

OUT AT SIX WEEKS THAT I WAS PREGNANT. i KNEW EVERY MOVE SHE MADE i

FELT EVERY HICCUP, I KNEW SHE HAD ATTITUDE BECAUSE IT YOU PRESSED

MY BELLY SHE WAS RIGHT THERE KICKING BACK. I KNEW SHE LOVED HER DADDY

BECAUSE WHEN HE WOULD TALK TO HER SHE WOULD MOVE TO HIS VOICE.

AND I KNEW SHE LOVED ME BECAUSE SHE ALLOWED ME THE HONOR TO BE

HER MOTHER AND TO FEEL HER GROW INSIDE ME. I LOVE HER AND MISS HER

MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. BUT I DO NOT BLAME GOD FOR WANTING

HER BACK BECAUSE SHE IS SO PERFECT. IF I WAS IN THE POSTION TO DO SO

I WOULD TAKE HER TOO. MY MOTHER SAID WHEN YOU LOSE A PARENT YOU LOSE

A PAST, WHEN YOU LOSE A CHILD YOU LOSE A FUTURE. I GRIEVE FOR THE LOSS OF A

PROMISE, I GRIEVE OUT OF EMPTINESS, SADNESS, BUT MOST OF ALL I

GRIEVE OUT OF SELFISHNESS. MY DAUGHTER ALTHOUGH HERE FOR SUCH A BRIEF

MOMENT DID MORE THAN I HAVE DONE IN TWO YEARS. SHE BROUGHT TOGETHER TWO

FAMILIES, WHO NEVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD JOIN. SHE MADE US REMEMBER

JUST HOW IMPORTANT TOGETHERNESS AND FAMILY IS. AND SHE MADE ME REALIZE

WHAT ABSOLUTE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS, SOMETHING THAT MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN

ME BUT HAS GONE UNNOTICED FOR 19 YEARS. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY SHE TAUGHT US

 FORGIVENESS AND FOR SUCH A SMALL PERSON TO BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SUCH A

LARGE TASK EVEN IN DEATH IS A MIRACLE IN ITSELF. SHE WAS SENT HERE FOR A REASON

AND THAT WAS TO BE OUR ANGEL. WHICH SHE ALWAYS WILL BE.  I SAY I GRIEVE OUT OF

 SELFISHNESS, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH MY PRECIOUS BABY DID SO MUCH FOR OUR

 FAMILIES AND OUR HEARTS. I WOULD THROW ALL OF IT AWAY JUST TO BE WITH HER

AGAIN, BUT I AM GRATEFUL I GOT THE CHANCE TO KNOW HER IN WAYS OTHERS CAN

NOT. WILL I CRY? OF COURSE, BUT i AM NOT CRYING FOR ADRIANA SHE IS IN

A FAR BETTER PLACE. SHE IS STILL INSIDE ME AND HER FATHER NO MATTER WHAT

WE DO OR WHERE WE GO SHE IS THERE. LAUGHING WITH US, CRYING WITH US

AND WATCHING OVER US. IN TIME SHE WILL HELP US HEAL AND CONTINUE WITH

LIFE. i AM MAKING THIS WEBSITE IN HOPES THAT OUR DAUGHTER CAN HELP OTHERS

AND ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED THAT THROUGH LIVING WE REMEMBER OUR CHIILDREN.

THROUGH DEPRESSION AND DENIAL IT IS AS IF WE ARE LETTING THEM GO.

I WILL BE SAD FOR MYSELF AND THE REST OF THE WORLD BECAUSE WE NO LONGER HAVE

ADRIANA PHYSICALLY, BUT I WILL SMILE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE. AND I

BELIEVE SHE WILL CONTINUE TO HELP HEAL US ALL. THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO

READ THIS AND LET THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY LIVE ON.

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GOODBYE

WE PLANNED AND WAITED SO LONG FOR YOU

THEN, AFTER ALL THE TIMES OF TESTS AND TEMPERATURES,

AT LAST YOU BEGAN TO LIVE IN ME.

I LISTENED TO YOUR SPEEDY LITTLE HEART AND

IMAGINED WHO YOU WOULD BE.

AS I SNUGGLED UP TO YOUR DADDY, YOU KICKED HIM "HELLO"

FOR THE FIRST TIME.

EVERY DECISION WAS MADE WITH SUCH CARE;

WHAT COLOR TO PAINT, QUILT TO SEW,

A ROCKER FOR LATE NIGHT FEEDINGS,

EVEN A GOWN FOR YOUR CHRISTENING.

YOU WAITED PATIENTLY INSIDE ME

SO EVERY DETAIL COULD BE COMPLETED

A LIFETIME OF ANTICIPATION FOR YOU.

WE HEADED TO THE HOSPITAL, HURTING

BUT HAPPY THAT YOUR TIME HAD FINALLY COME.

WE'D FINALLY MEET OUR LITTLE GIRL.

WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT;

BREATHING, PANTING, PUSHING

HOW WERE WE TO KNOW THAT WHEN WE LAST SNUGGLED,

YOUR KICK TO DADDY HAD MEANT "GOODBYE"

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FOR: ADRIANA BLACKSHELL

MAY 3, 2007

YOU ARE OUR ANGEL. WE LOVE YOU

LOVE, MOMMY & DADDY