My mom was born in Jamaica on January 28 1948 in a little village called Darliston, the youngest of five children. Darliston was a country village and my mum’s fondest childhood memories were made there; memories of sunshine, freedom, great food and being happy. It was exactly how childhood should be.
Her real name was Leonie but from childhood in Darliston nobody called her that. Everybody called her Joy and that stuck and became her name. I still have no idea why; it was just her pet name; a lot of people in Jamaica have them!
Growing up in the country, my mum’s parents grew everything they needed on their land - sugar cane, yams, bananas, mangoes etc . and whatever was left over they gave away. They also had some horses and cattle.
My mum’s mother sadly died when she was five years old, her dad remarried shortly afterwards then when my mum was ten years old she and her sister emigrated to England to start a new life.
Mom moved to Birmingham, studied there, then worked secretarial jobs, she had many clerical based qualifications and was very skilled at shorthand. Aged 22 she married and moved to London and started her family from there. She had four children in total, 3 daughters Annette, Greta and Yvette and one son Derek. Like with my mum’s family, I too am the youngest of them and unlike my other siblings the only one to be born in the Caribbean. I was born on a little island in the Caribbean called Nevis; sometimes they refer to it as St Kitts and Nevis because the two islands neighbour each other, but they are separate. It is close to Antigua, if you know of it.
How would I describe my mom? I’d say she was quiet, humble, a private person, a caregiver, religious, loving, quite stubborn at times, intelligent, serious and always put others ahead of herself.
I knew from the youngest age that my mum accepted me just the way I was and I found this very comforting, as a result I became closer to mum than anyone else in the family. My aunt actually told me recently that when I was very young she asked my mum why Yvette was so quiet, I thought she might have said something that would make me embarrassed but what my mum actually said was beautiful. She told her sister it is because I was born in Nevis and Yvette is just calm, peaceful and quiet because the influence of where she was born has shaped her temperament. I thought that was really sweet!
My mum was very into education and wanted us all to have a good start in life, she encouraged us to do well in school and think about getting a higher education. She taught us reading and writing skills from a very young age and was not content to let school be our only source of learning as she thought that it was not sufficient, so she supplemented the curriculum with her extra tutoring so we would not be left behind.
From my mum I inherited a love of reading and books, my mum also inspired me to enjoy writing, as she herself was very good at it, she had a good grasp of vocabulary and knew how to use words effectively. There was a time when I was in primary school where I can remember struggling a bit in the early grades, but mom helped me with constant patience until I understood, I don’t know what I would have done without her quiet, graceful intelligence. My mum also helped teach me how to write good essays (in high school), and when I adopted her writing style I started to get the top grades in my class.
My mom was a strong believer in justice, while she was a quiet person she didn’t ever hesitate to stand up for what she believed in. She didn’t mind complaining about bad service, bad food or injustices in general. She was able to be assertive about her rights and the rights of others.
One particular situation that stands out relates to my A level exams at college. I was predicted three A’s for my exams in sociology, psychology and English literature. When I got my results I got A’s for sociology and English literature but a B for psychology, because one of the modules on my paper had been marked un-graded. We both knew that it was not possible, psychology was my strongest subject and I had been confident and knowledgeable about that module. Even my teacher was baffled, we knew that it had been marked unfairly.
My mum ensured I made a fuss about it and she helped me write appeal letters and stuff, even enlisting support of my private psychology tutor who could support that my exam paper not been marked accurately. That year the examining board OCR had received a lot of bad press because they were trying to disprove the notion that exams were getting easier by marking some students papers down. Despite, our efforts it didn’t in the end change my grade, as the examining board wouldn’t back down as that would mean admitting they were wrong, and I guess that would have looked bad.
The most important thing though was that my mum tried, she always made an effort on my behalf. She always said it was important to not just let things go; she told me how I might need that A grade sometime, to get a place at university or something.
When we were all grown up, mom wanted to do something special for herself and she decided she would study for a degree in psychology, a subject she had been fascinated by for years. It was no easy task as it meant first completing an access course in order to gain equivalents of A levels which she did not have. It was a lot to learn in a short space of time, but she pulled it off and succeeded, even managing to enjoy her studies. After that she attended the university of Westminster and graduated with a 2:1 in psychology which was amazing considering she was holding down a part time job, looking after the house and still being there for me. My mum was a very capable person and could achieve whatever she put her mind to.
Mom was a very beautiful woman; she had the most gorgeous complexion , so soft and silky with no imperfection and no wrinkles even at age 60. I hope I am as beautiful as her when I grow up. My mum also loved fashion; but she liked to have her own distinctive style and not look exactly like everyone else. She was great at scouring for vintage clothes, bags, shoes. She had an artistic flair and an eye for detail, quality and quirks. Once she found an amazing vintage Chanel handbag in a charity shop, which she offered to me.
She was there for me whenever I needed to talk, need advice or just wanted some company. Whenever I had a problem I knew my mum would listen and give the best advice she could. Even when I knew she could not solve a particular problem of mine just being able to talk to her about it would make me feel better. Just knowing I was not alone and somebody cared was often times all I really needed. Now I feel a great void with her gone.
She was always there for me, even when she was not feeling well she was still taking care of me and making sure I was okay. Patient, loving and kind, my mum always put others first sacrificing so that their feelings and needs could be fulfilled.
She was more than my mum, she was my best friend and we did practically everything together. People would joke that everywhere Joy is, Yvette is there and vice versa. We enjoyed each others company and shared many of the same interests. We always found things to share together and were never bored in each other’s company. Whether it was a shopping trip, seeing a film at the cinema, going to the theatre, a success seminar, an exhibition or just staying in watching television or a film on DVD with popcorn. I miss her company and friendship so much. It’s like half of me has died too, it’s hard to function without her. Things we used to do together are suddenly so different and sad without her to share them with. A piece of me is forever gone.
My and my mum were the only one’s in our immediate family who were vegetarians, so we also had that in common. I will forever miss the meals my mum would prepare for us, especially things of Caribbean origin that were unique to her. Some of her specialities were Caribbean red pea soup, fried dumplings, banana fritters, and plantain. I don’t even know how to prepare some of the dishes that became favourites for us. I always thought she’d be around forever.
What I liked best about mom was that she was easy going, genuine, sincere and calming to be around. If I spend too much time with other member’s of my immediate family I end up getting a headache, but never with mom. She was a calming influence on me. I always felt content, safe, secure and relaxed around mum, and I was completely able to be myself.
After mom retired she had the opportunity to dedicate some time to her own interests, she was going to start a whole new lease of life. She had joined a gym and was enjoying fitness classes, and yoga. She hoped to do some travelling and one of her biggest goals was to have a family reunion in Jamaica.
Everyday, I still ask the question why. Why did my mum have to die so soon. Why her, why me, why did I have to lose my mum? She was all I had, I needed her. Some people have told me that it was God’s plan, and that there is a reason for everything, but all the wise words do not stop the pain. I find death hard to comprehend, emotion overrides logic to me right now and a lot of the time I just feel like an injustice has been done and it makes me feel angry.
I take a little comfort in the fact that my mum was a very spiritual woman and she always told me death was not the end, this life is not all there is and that the Bible says there will be a resurrection, and all those who have done good will be raised to everlasting life. I take comfort in the hope that one day with God’s grace we will be reunited again. One of my mum’s last wishes for me was that I would come to be a Christian, so I could have in my heart the faith and hope she had. Since mum’s death I have been doing a lot of soul searching and questioning my beliefs and I have started going with a friend to church which is a positive step for me.
It is said that in relation to the meaning of life that we are not meant to be here very long on earth, and that this life is just a preparation for the next (or for eternity). God has a purpose for our life on earth, but it doesn’t end here, God offers us an opportunity beyond our lifetime. The Bible says “God’s plans endure forever, his purpose lasts eternally”. Some people compare earth to a school and believe we are all here to learn lessons, grow as human beings, and serve/help and love one another, before our soul goes back to God and our everlasting home. Some days I just want to give up and die, but in those moments I try and remember that life for all of us is transitory and as I am here God must have a purpose for my life on earth, there must be a reason, and things I need to learn and do.
I finish with a poem, called remembered Joy
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free!
I follow the plan God laid for me.
I saw His face, I heard His call,
I took His hand and left it all…
I could not stay another day,
To love, to laugh, to work or play;
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
And if my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss…
Ah yes, these things I, too, shall miss.
My life’s been full, I’ve savoured much:
Good times, good friends, a loved-one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief—
Don’t shorten yours with undue grief.
Be not burdened with tears of sorrow,
Enjoy the sunshine of the morrow.
