To my perfect, precious, beautiful daughter Kayden Emily:
How I longed to hold you close, how I smiled when I thought of you most,
I wanted your cries in the back of my head, all night and all day, til the end of time.
I yearned to see your perfect little cheeks, your precious tiny lips, & your fingertips.
I did get to see you, not as long as I had anticipated by far, but you were everything I dreamt and much more.
I cannot tell you the ache in my heart, the pounding in my head, or the tears on my face.
All I had thought was that you would come home with me and spit up on me and cry for me.
None of these things happened. You are in our Lord's arms, not mine where I think you should be.
There must be a reason, must make some sense, I can't imagine God hurting me like this.
The hurt I feel, the pain in my body, the tears that run down my face are insurmountable.
I feel someone with an icepick hacking away at my heart every minute of every day.
Will the minutes get better? Will the days get better? I can't see this happening.
I become even sadder as I look back to what I am missing out on. I want my baby I want to scream and sometimes do.
I wail and tears stream as I ask God "WHY???" What did I do to deserve this precious child being ripped from my arms in a matter of seconds, minutes.
I don't understand. I don't really want to understand. I just want my baby back with me. I want to hold her again and never let her go.
I would never have given her back if I had know the pain would be this bad, this cruel.
I can only hope she is safe and warm in the Lord's arms with many angels watching over her perfect little self.
I wish I could tell her how much I want her here with me, how much I long for her to sleep with me, nurse from me, burp on me, yawn at me, cry at me, everything perfect little babies do.
I LOVE YOU KAYDEN EMILY AND WILL NEVER EVER FORGET YOUR BEAUTIFUL PERFECT LITTLE FACE AND BODY I HELD FOR SO LONG THE DAY YOU LEFT MY BODY AND WENT TO YOUR WORLD, SKIPPING OVER MINE, WHICH WAS TO BE OURS. SOMEDAY WE WILL HAVE THE SAME WORLD ONCE AGAIN.
LUV, MOMMY | 
